Becoming a mother was a long awaited dream for me, and eventually, through adoption, my prayers were answered. Our beautiful boy filled our lives with joy, happiness and yes, utter madness and chaos. Strong willed, curious, animated and endearing. This little guy tested our boundaries to no end and parenting became increasingly challenging for me. While I was always triggered by his intense meltdowns, my husband seemed to handle them with ease and calm most of the time. Resentment kicked in, coupled with guilt, shame and unworthiness. And, it felt like I was wallowing in a pity-party every day.
We were aware that adopted kids experience underlying trauma and abandonment issues. I started wondering if that was why our five year old was acting up? Perhaps, his firecracker personality was partly responsible for him not backing down during a meltdown? Or, was I to blame? Did he not like me? I really believed that I was trying my best. Both of us followed many parenting groups and child psychologists on social media. We googled and shared information with each other about child behaviour, what to do and what not to do.
Putting it into practice was always a complete fail. It made me question whether I was “a good enough mother”. Going down the “are you good enough?" rabbit hole brought about mixed emotions. One thing that I was pretty sure of was that I would do anything to fix us. After lengthy conversations, we decided that we would try doing a parenting course to help our son manage his big feelings. And, that’s how our ten week journey with Circle of Security began.
I felt lost, sad and defeated when we had our very first introductory session. My husband was quick to point out that he was there to support me and didn’t really think he “needed help”. Little did we know that COSP would open up an entirely new world for us both. The programme focused on attachment and connection with your child, and how to solidify that relationship. I especially resonated with the importance of being 'Bigger, Stronger, Wiser & Kind', and it helped me not feel so afraid when I set limits and boundaries. Gaining an understanding of our boy’s emotional world made a significant difference when navigating the meltdowns. We were more in tune with our own triggers; and able to stop ourselves from reacting in the heat of the moment. As the weeks went by, we noticed the changes in him and ourselves. Practicing being 'bigger, stronger, wiser and kinder' is definitely a choice and what I now strive to live by now.
An integral part of the programme included reflecting on the relationship we had with our parents. It struck a deep chord with us. How were we taught to manage and organise our feelings as children? Anger, joy, sadness, fear, shame and curiosity. It was hard and painful to share memories from our childhood about how our needs and emotions were not met, and the impact it made on us as adults today – but, it was necessary go down that path. Fortunately, the takeaway from that is how we can reparent ourselves, break the generational cycle and be comfortable enough to allow our little guy to express his needs and emotions.
'Delight in me' is another need on the Circle of Security which tugged at my heartstrings. I struggled to express delight for my son. It seemed so much easier when he was two and three years old. I desperately wanted that connection with him again. As I continued learning more during the course, and reflected on whether I was delighted in as as a child, I discovered that delight is linked to a child’s sense of security and attachment. I made more of an effort to see him for who he is. Now I watch with wonder and delight how he pretends to be a dinosaur, climbs a tree, speaks earnestly about monster trucks or laughs with great abandon. And, I know in those moments that we share, he is completely aware that I am enjoying every single thing about our him and our interaction together.
Being the perfect parent was very important to me. I wanted to do everything right but that is unrealistic, too hard and too messy! COSP showed us a gentle, more reflective approach to parenting. We still encounter moments where our boy is at the bottom of the circle, and we fail to meet his needs. But, we are learning to cut ourselves some slack, and embracing being 'good enough' eases the challenges of this parenting journey. Right now, we are having more good days than bad days, and that in itself is a major accomplishment from where we were seven months ago. I’m proud of myself, proud of us.