How often have lovers stalled on taking the next step because they weren't sure if they were ready, “for a serious relationship”, or they were "not ready to commit", at least not until they'd fulfilled their other life-goals and dreams. The choice we seem to be confronted with is either: independence and autonomy, or relationship and closeness. The fear of being tethered and bound is just as real as drawing close and then being cut loose.
But what if the answer to healthy co-existence with oneself and others, was a 'both/and?' What if I could enjoy the closeness and connection that comes from relationship, without losing my 'freedom to differ' in the process? Being able to do this is the basis of a healthy, long-lasting relationship – one in which we can support the flourishing of another being without feeling threatened. It’s also one in which we can be vulnerable and connected while trusting we won’t be smothered, manipulated, or limited. We can risk 'togetherness' without compromising self, and therefore have the capacity to recover should things not work out.
For years, my own poorly-developed sense of self meant that I lived my life in service to others' thoughts and approval. I was a classic people-pleaser and perfectionist and had no idea who I was if I was not busy trying to 'impress' someone, or being needed by others. As a parent, what's psychologically termed a poor sense of differentiation manifested itself as 'bullying or manipulating'; emotionally pushing my children to conform. At other times, and especially in my marriage, I felt I could only assert myself in opposition to my husband, rebelling and causing unnecessary disharmony. Needless to say I was confused by my very self.
Of course, in the parent-child relationship, there are all the 'non-negotiables' that come from my job as the adult to keep my children healthy and safe. There are also the social and developmentally appropriate expectations that, over-time, children acquire and adapt to. However, I have to be very wary of the moments when I risk interfering too much and deny my children the opportunities to express their own preferences, operate within their own comfort zone, and make their own mistakes, even when these cause me embarrassment or discomfort.
Respecting and appreciating their need to exercise their initiative, and even their will, gives them the message that we value who they are and appreciate their in-built capacity to know themselves and figure things out. It teaches them that we can honour differences and yet remain close to one another.
One of my daughters reminded me of this important learning recently after a momentary lapse of emotional immaturity on my part. She was 10 years old at the time and was busy stirring breakfast in the kitchen while voicing her concern that she hadn't got the ratio of oats to milk right. I insisted that it was fine and that she should leave it alone. In my mind, the consistency of the cooked oats was of less importance than the potential mess that might be caused by a second handling of the Jungle oats box. Of course I didn't say that though.
She proceeded to take the box of oats out anyway and tipped some extra oats into the pan. As predicted, some of the oats misbehaved and missed the pan to which I retorted, "Sometimes I really wish you would just listen!". She calmly proceeded to clean up after herself, and in a matter of fact tone, responded with "I was listening mummy. I was listening to myself." I suppressed both my laughter and my joy at hearing my daughter have the courage and wisdom to know her own mind as well as the deceptive, preoccupied mind of her mother.
The great news is that when we hold back and are honest about our own internal fears and motivations, we can support our children as they develop their own intuition and sense of knowing. Children who get this differentiated experience of being human will be more comfortable negotiating with their peers and feel less frustration towards their parents, even as teenagers! They need not have to suppress their desires, bully others into compliance or rebel altogether. They will grow to know that being able to respectfully and honestly articulate one's differences in a close relationship is not just possible, but also healthy for true intimacy - not just with us but with their future partners, and perhaps one day even their own children.